So these two alien zombie rubber chickens walk into a seedy bar called “The Canned Tuna” down by the docks. It was late on a weeknight and the patrons were few and spread out in the dank smokey club.
A calypso lobster band droned out a slow rhythm while a tired barracuda danced for few clams tossed onto the stage by a couple of hammer heads on leave for the weekend.
The bar was owned by a fat sweaty overbearing sharktopus names Eddy No Butt. He smoked cigars, grinned evilly, treated his dancers badly, and didn’t take kindly to jokes about his lack of having an ass. He had too many tentacles and couldn’t keep them from where they didn’t belong. Eddy tended bar and short poured the drinks. For Eddy profit came before customer anything.
“What can I get you boys?” Eddy inquired of the two alien zombie rubber chickens through a puff of cigar smoke as they came up to the bar.
“Tequila” they said in unison.
Eddy’s deft tentacles quickly short poured a couple of shots and slid them across the bar.
The two alien rubber zombie chickens slammed a pile of clams on the bar and downed the drinks.
Eddy scooped up the generous payment.
“More!” they said together as another pile of clams skittered onto the bar top.
Eddy quickly refilled the glasses inadequately. There were clams in his eyes as he said moving the cigar to the other side of his dangerous mouth , “You’re new around here. What brings you to The Canned Tuna?”
At that moment before they could answer, Dora the Damsel fish swam up to the bar with a tray and and an order of drinks,” Scuze me Eddy. But I need 10 seaweed ales for the boys at the stage. Ska- use me sta- rangers” she said getting between the alien rubber zombie chickens and the bar with a pop of her chewing gum and a fish tail wiggle that usually ended in a bigger tip.
The pair of birds shuffled out of the way.
There was a few more hammerheads grouped around the stage now as the barracuda had finished her dance. She scooped up the few clams tossed to her and slowly swam behind the faded curtain. The calypso lobster band struck up some bland intermission rhythm. The rowdy crowd of young sharks were making a lot of noise in anticipation of the next act.
Eddy quickly filled the tray. He hated serving bottles of ale because he couldn’t short the patron. He scowled at Dora biting the cigar almost in half as he slung the filled tray across the bar at the petite Dora.
“Sorry Eddy but the hammerheads like their ale. They ain’t interested in happy hour hiballs.” and she grabbed the tray and turned before Eddy could try to grab at her.
“Scuze again shugs.” Dora pushed her way between the alien rubber zombie chickens with an “a hun” a gum pop and a wriggle and made her way to the the group of hammerheads whose banter grew louder as she tended them bottles of seaweed ale.
Eddy was getting irritated. The next act was slow to come on. His grin got wider as his cigar grew shorter. The cloud of smoke around his head barely obscured hid maliciousness.
“More!” the two alien rubber zombie chickens blurted out distracting Eddy from his anger. “More Tequila!!”
The distracted Eddy accidentally overpoured a double shot for the two in his anger and frustration. He cursed under his breath but the pile of clams that skittered across the bar turned the curse into a blessing.
It only took a moment and two empty glasses slammed onto the bar top. The alien zombie rubber chickens were definitely inebriated.
Eddy tried again hoping for a refill. “So what brings you two strangers to The Canned Tuna?”
But it was too late. The next dancer was introduced to a raucous applause from the hormonal hammerheads that drowned out any answer. Eddy bit his cigar in half and swallowed the dead end.
“And here she is from her tour of the ten seas. Direct from The Uncharted Waters. Dancing for your pleasure! Bulimia , the barely legal lesbian mermaid recently pierced and tatooed and recently freed from binging on calamari!”
The two inebriated zombie rubber chickens turned towards the stage muttering “Stella ” and there was a blinding flash and the chickens and the mermaid were gone. Eddy wanted to crap his pants, but he couldn’t . He has no ass. The hammerheads were dumbfounded for a moment but their silence quickly gave way to anger. Dora scuttled for cover with a click of her gum and all eyes turned to Eddy. Eddy wasn’t smiling anymore.